Agony Aunt Golf

Homepage

On this page I, Ms Kallas-Way, will solve all those problems golfers are too embarrassed to ask their pros. Does your golf game sag like a wet scorecard? Does your swing resemble death throes? Do all other golfers disappear when your car enters the carpark? My advice will get your game back on track To one player, what may constitute help from an outside agency is, to another player, an 'act of God'. According to If I'm Zapped By Static Electricity And Start Hitting The Ball Further, Am I Disqualified?, her opponent insists that she's received help, contrary to the Rules of Golf. Dear Ms Kallas-Way Having turned 99 last month, I finally stopped walking and started using a cart. I would have been happy to continue walking, but must admit that my pace was holding up other golfers. I got the hang of the cart after a couple of holes (and happily paid for the new flags and hole info signs I'd demolished) and quite enjoyed it, apart from one thing. Every time I got out of it, static electricity zapped me when I grabbed my iron. As it was only a wee tingle, I didn't mind, especially as I was hitting the ball much further than usual. I mentioned the zaps to the other three and my opponent insisted I ground myself before taking out a club, because the 'zap' was giving me an unfair advantage. I ignored her for six holes but finally her whining got to me and on the seventh I rubbed my clothes really hard, got out of my cart and grounded myself on my opponent. She keeled over and, when she came to, accused me of attempted murder! Honestly, all I tried to do was give her the same 'advantage' she accused me of getting. After all, if I'd wanted to murder her I would have aimed at her instead of the flagsticks when I was still unsure of the cart controls. Consequently, I've been banned from the course. How can I get myself reinstated? Dear ZAPPED Possibly you should have grounded yourself on something other than your opponent. However, it sounds like she is a miserable old harpy and it's a historical fact that shock treatment has proved effective on such types. As for 'attempted murder', that's ridiculous. Considering how easily distracted she was from her game, if you'd bumped her off, it would have been a mercy killing. Forget that bunch of wailing wimps and join another club. You'll find plenty of committees who will be happy to give you free membership in return for euthanising slow or complaining players. There are those who insist that a balanced diet is vital for optimum performance on the golf course. Then there's John Daly. But I think that Will Eating Live Protein Help My Golf? is following the example of the wrong species. Dear Ms Kallas-Way I recently visited the magnificent glow worm caves in Waitomo, New Zealand, and the guide told us lots of interesting facts about the 'worms' (which aren't actually worms, but insect larvae). Apparently, the 'worms' use their glow to attract prey and then eat alive whatever they catch. By eating the insects alive, they get a greater energy payoff than if eating dead prey. As a golfer is like a glow worm (stuck in darkness, ever hopeful they'll attract a decent swing, once in a while, to fortify them until the end of the game) I thought I could improve my performance by following their example. However, insects don't appeal to me and it's proved impossible to take bites out of a live calf (I'm partial to veal) while I'm golfing. Which sort of live protein would you advise me to take and which would be easiest to keep alive over 18 holes? If it could fit in my golf bag, that would be even better. Dear EATING Don't take anything with claws, as it'll shred your golf bag, not to mention your face, when you chomp on it. If you want to be economical, breed lizards and eat their tails and legs, as these grow back so you'll not only get your live protein, but you'll also have a constantly renewable resource. And that's all we have time for, this week. If you would like to buy my book, Agonising Golf, for NZ$20 plus $3P&P (if posted in NZ), email me at agonyaunt@golfhumour.com and I'll send you the details. Page last updated July 20 2008