AGONY AUNT GOLF

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Ms Kallas-Way, golf's agony aunt extraordinaire.

Ms Kallas-Way, forethright, foremidable, fairway front-runner

On this page I, Ms Kallas-Way, will solve all those problems golfers are too embarrassed to ask their pros.

Does your golf game sag like a wet scorecard?

Does your swing resemble death throes?

Do all other golfers disappear when your car enters the carpark?

My advice will get your game back on track.

Don't bother with all that New Age airy, fairy 'bury your toenail clippings with your placenta' stuff.

Forget the myriad self-help books which are no use whatsoever, apart from giving your silverfish a balanced diet.

Stop sitting there sighing. Get tapping that keyboard and receive relief from golf's finest advisor.

Considering how often golfers call on 'outside help', it seems that most believe in the supernatural. So, if you ever have trouble with those from the 'other side', you should apply golf principles rather than theological methods. My House Is Haunted By The Restless Spirit Of A Golfer, is one such case.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

My house is haunted by a dead golfer. Priests haven't been able to see her off so I wondered if I should employ a golf pro to give her a lesson so she can move on, or a rules official to confuse her into shifting.
Which would work best?

Dear HAUNTED

Whatever you do, DON'T get a pro to give lessons in your house or you'll be stuck with her always. Remember, there's nothing like success to ensure you stick at something.
You should also forget the rules official because, as with living golfers, all that will do is bamboozle her and make her more irritable.
You have two options when it comes to exorcising golf spirits:
1. Find a shanker and have them shank a couple of shots in the haunted rooms. Nothing can withstand shanking.
2. Hold committee meetings at your house and nominate the spirit for the position of secretary. That's guaranteed to get rid of her as quickly as it gets rid of the living.

Every week I receive a query asking me for incontrovertible proof on who invented golf. Most 'authorities' insist it was either the Scots or the Dutch. While I Have Proof That The Scots Invented Golf has a compelling theory, her assumptions are way off the mark.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

It's pretty much accepted these days that either the Scots or the Dutch invented golf, with most experts leaning towards the Scots.
I believe that by considering the dominant trait in each nationality, coupled with their traditional garb, logic insists that the Scots invented The Game.
The Dutch have a strong work ethic while the Scots are a great warring nation, therefore the Dutch would be too busy to sanction a game of golf, whereas the Scots considered it practise for warfare.
The Dutch wear clogs which, while having the advantage of keeping your left heel anchored, have the disadvantage of not allowing a full backswing or follow through. (That's how I know the Dutch invented hockey.)
Plus, they tend to stick their fingers in holes so would never be able to play more than one.
The Scots wear kilts, perfect for a full backswing and follow through, and that's the reason that golfers have been told "Keep your head down" right from the very start.
I think you'll agree that it's a matter of 'case proven'.

Dear PROOF

While your theory is compelling, it's wrong because you're dealing with outward appearances rather than inner motivation.
The Scots invented golf, but not for the reasons you expound.
Golf was actually invented by people with lousy social skills. They couldn't dance or sing and had limited powers of conversation.
Which left them with two options for interaction—war or golf.
While war claimed fewer casualties, golf required less conversation so was perfect for Scottish mingling.

With the price of clubs so reasonable, compared to 20 years ago, many golfers get new clubs annually. The cheap prices have also led to excuses such as that offered by Don't Let Them Kick Me Out, who needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I've been a passionate golfer for 12 years. I absolutely love and hate The Game at the same time.
The conflicting emotions golf brings out in me mean that I've thrown the odd club but, honestly, it's just an extended follow through!
Then last week I went out of bounds on our par three, and put the next shot in the hole. I've never had a hole in one, so you can imagine how that felt!
"Hell of a way to get a par," sniggered the guy I was playing with. "Bet you can't do that again."
I just couldn't help myself ... I threw my 5-iron at him, but he ducked and it wedged itself into the seat next to the tee. Then I broke every single club in my bag and jammed them into the seat as well, before stomping off and driving home.
Now the committee wants me banned from our club for discarding rubbish. How can I persuade them that I merely have a longer, more complicated follow through than other golfers?

Dear KICK

Golf clubs, no matter what their condition, can never be described as 'rubbish' by any true golf afficianado. Your committee must be made up of morons.
Point out that your extended follow through has resulted in an art statement, which makes a serious comment on civilisation's need to sit down too often and emphasises where their brains are sinking to. Spread the rumour that the golferooster, long thought extinct, has been seen nesting in your art statement and the free publicity you bring the club, and increased green fees because of it, will see you nominated for life membership.

And that's all we have time for this week.
To receive my expert advice on those golfing problems no one else can solve, you can mail me at: MsKallas-Way@golfhumour.com. (Sending your question gives me the right to print it on my webpage.)

Until next time, readers, keep your right knee flexed and focus on the target.

This page was last updated March 11 2007.
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