AGONY AUNT GOLF

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Ms Kallas-Way, golf's agony aunt extraordinaire.

On this page I, Ms Kallas-Way, will solve all those problems golfers are too embarrassed to ask their pros.

• Does your golf game sag like a wet scorecard?
• Does your swing resemble death throes?
• Do all other golfers disappear when your car enters the carpark?

My advice will get your game back on track.

Don't bother with all that New Age airy, fairy 'bury your toenail clippings with your placenta' stuff.

Forget the myriad self-help books which are no use whatsoever, apart from giving your silverfish a balanced diet.

Stop sitting there sighing. Get tapping that keyboard and receive relief from golf's finest advisor.

It seems that everyone over the age of puberty has had cosmetic surgery. We all know that a golfer should never get a tummy-tuck, as it'll stop them following through fully, but is Will This Plastic Surgery Affect My Swing? taking an unnecessary risk?

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I'm 49 years old and I look 20 years older than the 70-year-olds at our club, who only look 40, thanks to plastic surgery. This never worried me before, when I was breaking 80 regularly and could rely on my solid game to impress people.
Now, alas, I've been going through a bad patch for several months, probably because I'm worried about turning 50, and I can't even break 100, so I have no way of impressing anyone.
I know there are certain cosmetic reconstructions which golfers must avoid but, would a face-lift be detrimental to my swing?

Dear PLASTIC

It amazes me that golfers bother with face-lifts when, by training their reactions to their shots, they can achieve the same effect for free and without going under the knife.
As you cannot even break 100 any more, your facial expressions on the golf course can tone your muscles in no time.
The technique is simple. Every time you duff a shot, instead of screwing up your face in anger and despair, raise your eyebrows, work your mouth like a fish out of water and stretch your neck by gazing skywards.
This will exercise the necessary muscles in your neck and face to prevent jowls and wrinkles.
Don't hunch your shoulders and cringe when you hit a chip fat or thin, as you're wasting a fine opportunity to fix breast droop. Instead, do five chest expansions. (The old 'I must, I must, increase my bust' exercise.)
Just make sure no other golfer is next to you, lining up their shot, as an elbow in the eye helps neither alignment nor appearance.

The Rules of Golf cover a wide range of problems and have been updated over the centuries to cover modern situations. All sorts of 'outside agencies' are covered. But careful consideration is required to solve the problem of My Chipping Is Out Of This World.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I hit the ball well off the tee and play my irons reasonably consistently, but I have a huge problem when it comes to chipping.
Short of trying to chip with my feet while standing on my head (which I would have tried, but I'm an elegant woman who always wears a skirt), I've run out of ideas to improve my technique.
Having visited just about every pro in the country, none of whom can help, I am left with only one conclusion.
Some time over the last six months (which is when my chipping went off) aliens have visited me and implanted something which has ruined my chipping.
I've tried to convince a specialist that I need a scan to discover where the implant is, and get it removed, but they just laugh at me.
Is there any way I can discover the site of the implant and, perhaps, remove it myself?

Dear CHIPPING

A scan would be a waste of time because primitive human technology won't reveal alien implants.
If aliens have taken over your chipping (probably because they're bored, taking over various worlds), then the implant must be in your lower arms—the control centre of chipping.
You have only two options.
1. Hope the aliens return soon, and remove the implants before you're too old to play golf.
2. Amputation from the elbows.
As the second option is the only guaranteed fix, you'd better start wearing trousers and practise that chipping technique where you stand on your head.

The trouble with innovative assassinations is that everyone jumps on the bandwagon and wants to adapt the technique for their own uses. After that spy in London was killed with a poisoned umbrella, there was a rash of golf umbrella poisoning on the fairways. Now Radioactive Doses Will Work has solved a problem for fans of live professional golf.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I've been following that case where the Russians fed their ex-spy radioactive shushi and it gave me an idea.
Instead of threatening slow pros with penalty shots, why don't the authorities threaten them with a dose of polonium?
This would solve two problems.
1. After that particular round, the golfer would never hold anyone up again.
2. We'd still be able to see him finish his round because he'd glow in the dark, so sponsors wouldn't be inconvenienced and TV crews wouldn't need to set up lighting.
I suspect that having pros die might make the authorities a little wary of my suggestion but ... it's not like pros are an endangered species, is it?
How can I get the people in charge to take my suggestion seriously?

Dear RADIOACTIVE

While your theory sounds promising, it leaves us with the problem of fallout, which can poison those who don't deserve to die. (Though they be few.)
However, we could get around that by giving prisoners on death row the job of shadowing the players to make sure no one gets too close. This would work brilliantly, as spectators would keep their distance to avoid radioactive fallout. The players would do likewise so, speed up the death-rowers and you'll speed up the players.
When you point out that death row prisoners aren't an endangered species (in a manner of speaking) you'll have no trouble gaining the attention of those who matter.

And that's all we have time for this week.
To receive my expert advice on those golfing problems no one else can solve, you can mail me at: MsKallas-Way@golfhumour.com. (Sending your question gives me the right to print it on my webpage.)

Until next time, readers, keep your right knee flexed and focus on the target.