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Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I don't play golf but my dear husband does and it fair breaks my li'l ol' heart (and wine collection) to see his anguish when he comes home after a game.
As soon as he gets in the door, he grabs a bottle of wine and a golf-tips book and slumps into the easy chair for an hour. After 'mming' and 'ahhing' and flipping backwards and forwards between pages, he sits up and says, "That's it! That's where I went wrong. Why didn't I realise it at the time?"
I told him to take the book with him, but he said there was no time to read while golfing. I pointed out that he could pretend to look for the other players' balls when they lost them, and read the book instead, but he didn't think that was sporting.
That's when I came up with my brilliant idea—a talking pen!
I've invented a pen with a tiny sensor and microphone. Every time the golfer writes more than a double bogey on the scorecard, the pen gives them a tip. It's got 20 tips and if the golfer doesn't think the first is relevant, he/she clicks the pen for the next one.
I've researched the best tips but I need help getting the tone of voice right. Which tone would you recommend?
Dear TALKING
Don't wheedle—golfers use that tone when their ball is heading for water and bunkers, and they know it doesn't work.
Don't speak harshly—the tone when a ball is heading out of bounds, and it's never stopped one ball from crossing the white pegs.
Don't use a monotone—which a golfer's non-golfing partner uses when referring to 'that stupid game'. This is the easiest to ignore.
Excited won't work—golfers' excitement early in a good round generally shifts to despair by the end of it, so you need to avoid those connotations.
Scared is beginning to look the best—but there's enough fear on the first tee as it is, without adding to it.
Which leaves us with only one tone.
A silent one.
You tinker with your game on the practise fairway, not the golf course. Instead of talking, get your pen to zap the player with electricity if they take more than 10 minutes to play a hole, but don't let it spout advice.
Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I've been studying polar bears for a couple of years, and I reckon we golfers could learn a thing or two from them.
Take hibernation, for instance. Bears build up reserves of fat and then hibernate for the winter, when food's scarce, and emerge leaner and meaner machines.
They can swipe the head off a seal one out of six times immediately after hibernation, whereas prior to the 'deep sleep', it's one out of 12.
I reckon that if golfers golfed like crazy (at least seven days a week) leading up to the winter period, when the courses are under snow, they'd have enough golf to get them through three or four months, and they'd come back to The Game leaner and meaner.
Their 'hibernation' would sharpen their golfing senses and they'd drop their handicap as easily as a polar bear drops a seal.
This has made me realise there's probably heaps of elements in the animal world which could help our golf. Which animal do you reckon I should study next?
Dear HIBERNATION
Animal elements have already improved our game. Leather grips, leather gloves, bacon and eggs for breakfast before we play...
But your hibernation theory is flawed. While it would make golfers lean and mean, it wouldn't be their handicap they'd drop but their fellow golfers.
Probably by reaching polar bear levels of decapitation.
As for studying another animal, try observing Tiger's swing.
Dear Ms Kallas-Way
What's the most common cause of poor golf, concerning the average golfer? Is it the short game, the long game or the mental game?
Everyone agrees, it's the mental game. The average golfer lacks confidence and pictures poor shots, and that's what they get.
If only they could follow the advice of that potentially great golfer, George Michael, "I've gotta have faith, faith, faith."
And that's where I come in. No, I'm not a second-hand CD dealer. I am a faith healer who has witnessed the hordes of faithless on the fairways.
I can get them playing well, all the time!
I'm offering a 30% discount (I charge $100 per session, cash) to all your readers for the first five half-hour sessions with me. If, after that, they're not imbued with faith in their golf swing, I'll give them a free golf ball.
Please help me spread the message.
Listen here, FAITH
If you're so good, why does it take five sessions and not just one?
Golf is way more complex than the life or death situations of healing poor health. Constant slicing, shanking and duffing harden a golfer's psyche against charlatans like you. They know that as soon as they think they've 'conquered' The Game, it'll turn around and bite them on the bum.
Hard.
Every time.
Guaranteed.
The best they can ever hope for is that they'll have the occasional great round, which might be to break 90 or shoot low 80s—the handicapping system means everyone can have a 'great' round, regardless of how many shots they drop.
The faith they have in that possibility is what keeps them coming back to the course, no matter how many balls they lose or marriages it costs.
That's the only type of faith a golfer trusts—desperate faith.
© Kay Wall 2006