ARCHIVED AGONY

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Ms Kallas-Way vanquishes vultures, sides with scientists and faces fiances.

Every club has that one person who no one wants to play with, for all sorts of reasons. But I'm The Club Pariah is the only golfer I've ever come across with this particular malady.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

My problem is highly embarrassing and has made me the pariah of the club. My every shot skims above the ground six inches, even my putts! But that's not the worst.
Our golf course teems with rabbits and I manage to kill several each round. But that's not the worst. As they do a lot of damage, this is okay with everyone except me. It's costing me heaps of distance! But that's not the worst.
As soon as I get my clubs out of the car, every vulture within 20 miles heads for our course and then flaps along behind me. The noise is distracting, but that's not the worst.
Where do you think they alight? On my trundler! The claw marks are galling but that's not the worst.
The worst is that they defecate in my bag. Have you ever smelt vulture droppings? (I've enclosed a sample, just in case you haven't.) How can I stop them following me?

Dear PARIAH

The problem all stems from 'learned behaviour'. The vultures have learnt that following you leads to an easy meal. Didn't your mother teach you to pick up after yourself? Get a bigger golf bag so you can collect the carrion as you go. The vultures will soon return to road kill.

It seems that more and more people, after death, are donating their bodies to science. But what if their remaining relatives aren't happy about that? Does Scientists Lack Respect have any right to go against her husband's wishes?

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

My husband donated his body to science and it went to that body farm where they let bodies rot so forensic scientists can study conditions which help them figure out time-of-death and other stuff to catch murderers.
After three years, they said they'd retired his remains. As I was in the area, I called in to see what they'd done with his bits and pieces. You can imagine my horror when I found one of the scientists using my husband's skull for putting practice! He said putting into the eye socket had improved his three-foot putts no end and taken 10 shots off his game.
Is this the way our dearly departed should be treated?

Dear SCIENTISTS

Look at it this way. In this cholesterol sodden, apoplexy ridden world, anything that reduces strokes has to be good.

Sometimes the only way I can help someone is by conducting a personal consultation. In the case of My Lover Won't Play Golf a perplexing situation was easily resolved when I visited in person.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I am desperate to introduce my fiance to golf but I can't get him any further than the car park. As soon as he gets out of the vehicle he pales, starts shaking, vomits and has to sit down.
I believe his aversion to The Game stems from an early childhood incident when his mother was running late for golf and ran over him with her trundler. (From the age of three, he's been told how lucky he is that his mother believed in walking the course, and hated golf carts.)
I conclude that the unresolved emotions resulting from this trauma are forming a barrier to our complete happiness. How can I entice him on to the fairways?

Dear LOVER

When driving to the club, either take the corners more slowly or, better still, let your fiance drive.

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