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Dear Ms Kallas-Way
I've come up with a revolutionary new way to make sure golfers never lose their balls! I've manufactured a microchip which fits inside a golf ball, doesn't affect its flight or performance at all, and if you lose the ball, you can send it a text message from your cell phone and it will text step-by-step instructions until you find it.
My invention will speed up play considerably by eliminating time spent searching for balls. I have racked my brains and can see no drawbacks associated with my ball, but I want to have every eventuality covered before I seek finance.
Can you think of anything which I need to consider further?
Dear TEXT
How about lengthy jail sentences when people steal the texting balls and hit them over cliffs to get rid of unwanted spouses/partners or noisy neighbours? Or to rid the world of golfers who insist on writing their cards on the green.
Actually, scrub that last example. No jury would convict anyone who got rid of those selfish morons.
Forget about golf balls but adapt your invention for car keys and you'll be on to a winner.
Dear Ms Kallas-Way
Here in Haiti, we have a unique problem. There's no trouble getting tee times at our courses but it's hard to enjoy your game when you're golfing amongst zombies.
They simply will not obey golf etiquette and never call anyone through, in spite of sometimes taking three hours to play one hole.
We've tried firing sky rockets over their heads to distract them so that we can play past but, while it may have worked in 'Land of the Dead', all it does here is set fire to the flagsticks.
We don't have enough spare land to make the zombies their own course. How can we get rid of them?
Dear ZOMBIES
Are you sure they're zombies and not a group of American Republicans on vacation? They're pretty hard to tell apart, both employing the same methods of persuasion.
However, should they be zombies, thank your lucky stars as they're easier to deal with than Republicans.
The great thing about zombies, as golfers, is that they never complain about the state of the course so you'll never have trouble attracting greenkeepers.
And, while they can be a bit slow and hopeless on etiquette, you don't need flash facilities to keep them happy.
Which is where your solution lies. Half-way along every hole, way over in the rough, construct a couple of graves, complete with headstones. Whenever you get stuck behind zombies, flip a switch so that the grave bursts open, wafting acrid fumes towards the zombies. (Just get the greenkeepers to seed them every week or so with roadkill.)
This will clear the zombies from the fairway long enough for living golfers to play through. That is, as long as the living golfers bathe regularly...
Dear Ms Kallas-Way
Tiger Woods has set a new standard in golf and many commentators insist that no one else will ever emulate him. Up until two weeks ago, I would have agreed.
Because that was when I finally managed to get one of my crossbred species to survive—the one which combines the strength of a gorilla with the speed of a hummingbird's wing beats.
She also has the work ethic of an ant so is happy to practice 24 hours a day.
The only problem is that, because her swing speed is so fast, after only three strokes the grips melt and stick to her hands.
Do you have any idea how I could make her swing slower, just a tad? (Unfortunately, she has the stubbornness of a donkey.)
Dear INTER-SPECIES
You need to slow down her progress, so have to find specific genes to do that. Try the Vatican. Considering the Pope's stand on contraception and the world's burgeoning population, there are no better genes around for retarding progress.
© Kay Wall 2006