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Ms Kallas-Way disassembles distance, vitiates vibrations and counteracts comets.

One of the most common problems for golfers, especially as they age, is the fact that they have to take an increasingly bigger club to hit the distance they could manage with a smaller club 20 years ago. As I'm Experiencing A Depressing Reduction In Distance notes, this shatters confidence.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I really appreciate your tips. I am 50 years old. Have been playing golf since the age 25.
Recently I am observing a terrible reduction in distances with each club. For 120 yards I was okay with a 9-iron and now I require a 6-iron and if the wind is against, I start having doubts even with a 5-iron in my hands.
Is there a way to correct this depressing trend?

Dear EXPERIENCING

Your problem is very easily fixed. You have three options.
1. Before each game, take anti-depressants.
If you're anti drugs, try:
2. Immediately after hitting the ball, pull a blindfold over your eyes. Get your playing partners to lead you to your ball, and then repeat the process with each shot. Providing you play at different courses each time, and therefore have no recongnisable markers, you'll have no idea how far you are (or aren't) hitting the ball.
3. Play only on courses which have a predominantly tail wind and skip the holes into which you have a head wind. (I'm presuming your handicapping system is the same as ours and allows for assessed holes. I call that cheating, but I don't make the rules.)

Everything is made up of vibrating particles. You, me, the cat, the golf course. Particularly the drunk who lives down on the corner... According to The Particles In My Driver Vibrate So Much, I Can't Hit The Ball, excessive particle movement in her clubs is the source of her problem.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I'm a straight-A physics student and I decided to take up golf to counter the stress of studying for my Ph.D. I didn't bother reading any golf books or taking any lessons from a pro—I figured I'd just apply the appropriate principles of physics to my swing and I'd be a scratch golfer in no time.
That was 27 hours ago and, in spite of my diligent application of movement principles, I still haven't been able to hit the ball. (Apart from two minutes ago, when I kicked the damn thing. But that was foot contact; my driver's face remains unsullied.)
I have reached the inevitable conclusion that the particles in my driver are vibrating too much and forcing my swing off-plane. Can you recommend a model in which the particles are guaranteed not to do this?

Dear PARTICLES

You're concentrating on the wrong principles. You need to study heat properties, not vibration (although the two are connected), as is evidenced by the fact you kicked the ball, after only 27 unsuccessful hours.
When we heat up (our temperature increases exponentially, with every airshot) we experience a meltdown of clear thinking, which is disastrous, considering that golf is 95% mental.
Let's pause and consider the principles of cause-and-effect. Your overheating was caused by applying the rules of physics to a golf swing, when you should have applied the rules of a teaching pro.
The golf swing is way, way more complicated than anything you'll ever come across in physics, hence your frustration which led to your boiling point. (Though you've picked up one golfing principle automatically, i.e. blaming your clubs for poor results.)
Golf pros specialise in cooling down steaming beginners so book a lesson with a pro immediately. You'll find that studying physics for your Ph.D will counter the stress of learning to play golf.

All sorts of things can affect a person's moods. Drugs, alcohol, lack of sleep, comets. Comets? Well, according to Comets Make My Partner Irritable And She Won't Let Me Play Golf Until They've Gone, cosmic interference is playing hell with her enjoyment of The Game.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

Ernestine and I have the perfect relationship in which we live harmoniously together but are happy to pursue separate interests. Ernestine is passionate about her netball, while I love my golf.
But every now and again, Ernestine gets unreasonable and drugs me and ties me up so that I can't go to golf. I charted these instances, figuring they'd coincide with something logical like when the serial killer was active in our neighbourhood, or when our smear tests were due.
But no, they only coincided with comets.
Okay, there aren't many comets, but what if one coincides with championship finals?

Dear COMETS

In times past, bright comets inspired panic and hysteria, being thought of as bad omens. This atavistic fear is at the base of Ernestine's actions.
Her fear leads to life 'restriction', also obvious by her choice of sport—netball, which is very restrictive in that you can't move with the ball and you're not allowed in all parts of the court.
Therefore, to overcome her fear and the resulting 'restrictions' it imposes, you must persuade Ernestine to take up basketball—a free-flowing, liberating sport.
Though, frankly, if you can let minor setbacks like drugs and rope keep you from your game of golf, you're never going to win a club championship.

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