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Ms Kallas-Way braves bad breath, staunches stem-cells and arranges armpits.

A correspondent has brought to my attention the latest development in golf tees. They're tasty. Yes, that's right, you can now buy flavoured wooden tees at tastygolftees.com. But My Special Tees Will Help You Score On The Fairways is hoping to take the product one step further.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I recently read about a company which makes flavoured tees. It's such a brilliant idea that I can't believe I didn't think of it.
Then it occurred to me, if the flavoured tees went an extra step and included a breath freshener, it would not only give golfers something to chew over, apart from their faulty swings, but could help them score as well.
And I don't mean just 'score', as in shoot lower scores, but 'score' as in getting extra dates. Let's face it, in this day and age there are fewer ways of meeting a potential partner and breath-freshening golf tees could make that important difference.
Would my breath-freshening golf tees be infringing on tastygolftees.com's patent, if I leave out the flavouring?

Dear SPECIAL

Breath-fresheners in tees? Are you nuts?
What's the most annoying thing when you're playing golf? (Apart from those morons who tell you 'Cheer up, it's only a game' just before they go OB three times in a row and pulverise their driver.)
It's all those hackers who have never broken 100 but who insist on sidling up beside you to list your swing faults ... even if you're on single figures.
There's only one way to fix them. A good blast of foul breath after the first tee-shot will have them reeling away beyond advice-giving-distance for the entire round.
It's no coincidence that many of the world's best golfers have raging halitosis.
Imbue your tees with the aroma of three-day old roadkill and you might be on to something.

George Dubya seems to be the main stumbling block for stem-cell research in the US of A, but is that because researchers have approached him from the wrong angle? I think that if they'd followed the reasoning of Stem-Cell Research Can Help Golfers, then the President, a keen golfer, wouldn't have vetoed it.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

Yesterday on the radio I heard the end of a debate on stem-cell research. I only caught the last sentence but it immediately sparked my interest. As a keen golfer, I figured it might be able to help me.
I've had the same golf clubs for 20 years—Wilson 1200 LTs—and I love them, especially the wooden woods.
Unfortunately, the Wilson company doesn't make wooden woods any more and mine are looking a bit mangy. But they perform so well (I'm on a 7 handicap) that I don't want to get different ones.
And then it occurred to me, maybe stem-cells could fix my woods? I'm assuming I just have to find a stem of wood the same breed as used for my clubs, rub a few cells on to them and, hey presto, rejuvenated woods!
I'm not sure of the exact process, though. I presume I need to 'bleed' the stem, or is there an easier way?

Dear STEM-CELL

That depends on your definition of 'easier'. If you'd heard the rest of the radio programme, you'd realise that the stem-cells come from aborted fetuses. As the rate of abortion amongst trees is nil (which makes me wonder why George Dubya isn't a fundamentalist greenie), you could have a lot of trouble finding your cells.
Instead, try cloning technology, which is widespread in horticulture.

Some people are just looking for excuses for their faulty swings, rather than accepting that they're lazy slobs who need to practise more. While I'll accept that the loss of an arm or a leg could possibly detrimentally affect your swing, The Hair Under My Left Armpit Grows Faster Than Under The Right And Stops Me Keeping My Arm Straight is pushing credibility.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I'm one of those unfortunate people who suffer from a serious hidden malady but, because no one can see it, I get no sympathy. Especially when it comes to fellow golfers.
Okay, I know I'm supposed to keep my left arm straight but, thanks to my left armpit hair disability, that is impossible. I've tried shaving under my arm during the round, but the skin gets really tender and, once again, stops me keeping my arm straight.
I love The Game and know I'd be capable of breaking 150 if it weren't for this problem. Any ideas on how I can overcome it and play better?

Dear ARMPIT

For a start, you can stop expecting sympathy. If your clubs were stollen, okay, you'd deserve a little sympathy, but not much, because a real golfer never lets their clubs out of their sight.
If the greenkeeper went mad and shot everyone on the golf course except you and you'd had your first ever sub-par round but had no one to sign your card, the caterer might feel sorry for you. But if you were playing that well anyway, you should have been able to fell the greenkeeper with a well-placed shot to at least save the person marking your card, therefore it's doubtful that you'd deserve any. (Providing you'd stated it was a provisional, this wouldn't affect your score.)
If you dropped dead after having a hole in one, maybe you'd deserve a pinch of sympathy, but not much because timing is everything in golf and if you can't get that right, you should damn well work harder until you do.
So, stop being a major wuss and expecting sympathy—a tougher mental approach will immediately improve your game. And then switch to playing left-handed as it sounds like your right armpit is normal.

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