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Ms Kallas-Way shepherds sheep, halts hemp and revives ratings.

The great thing about having the most golf courses, per capita, in the world (as in New Zealand's case) is that all walks of life are represented in club memberships. For instance Sheep And Golfers Have Heaps In Common would never have made his discovery if he lived in Japan, where club membership is extremely exclusive.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

Yeah, gidday Ms Kallas-Way
I'm a shepherd from the high country in New Zealand and I belong to the Waikikamukau Golf Club, which has a membership of 12.
I've noticed, when driving sheep into pens, that they have something in common with golfers.
Just as golfers have a tendency to focus on things that aren't there, so do sheep.
One sheep will leap over an imagined horror and the 500 behind will leap in exactly the same place. Over exactly nothing.
In the same way, one golfer will hook their drive into trees, blaming a non-existent swirl of wind, and every other player in his four will do likewise.
This leads me to conclude that there are similarities between the thought-processes of sheep and golfers. I've noticed that if I make the sheep sprint around the paddock until they're exhausted, they don't jump over anything that isn't there.
If golfers sprinted around the course a couple of times before playing, would they stop fearing things that aren't there and so play better? It's the quiet season for shepherds and my dogs could do with the exercise.

Dear SHEEP

I'm quite sure that if golfers sprinted around the course a couple of times before playing, they'd stop fearing things that aren't there.
Or even things that were there.
However, I think your sheep dogs would be better exercised by encouraging slow golfers on the course. Having to herd golfers out of trees and through the rough and keeping them constantly moving towards the green would also be perfect practise for sheepdog trials.

While clubs are continually 'improved' so that hackers can play the game better without having to practise or improve their swing, My Hemp Clubs Are Biodegradable is concentrating on a different aspect of The Game.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

In this age of short attention spans, and even shorter tempers, the throw-away-society has infiltrated every part of life, no more so than on the golf course.
How often do your golfing friends play with the same ball? The same tees? Or the same clubs?
Some golfers buy a new driver every month!
This means that our golf courses are being littered with cast-offs. Water hazards are filled with drivers and long irons, the rough is littered with balls, and discarded/broken tees threaten unshod wildlife.
The answer to this problem is biodegradable golf gear and I've manufactured clubs and tees out of hemp, which will break down and add to soil fertility.
The tees break down in two weeks, while the clubs disappear in six months.
There's just one problem. If it rains, they start to break down immediately and, by the 18th, all they're good for is making cookies.
Where are there lots of golf courses and no rain, so that I can target my market?

Dear HEMP

Your criteria are met in the golf courses of the desert states of America. But you won't be able to sell your biodegradable golf gear there because snakes find hemp irresistible.
It doesn't matter how heavily manufactured the hemp is, the snakes, with their incredibly acute sense of smell, can still detect it.
Hence, all your golf gear would be flung away on the way to the first tee, as the snakes swarmed out of the desert to pursue the golfers.
While golfers do discard a lot of their equipment, they like to have at least one shot with it first.

What can be done to make senior golf on TV more interesting? This question was posed to me by If Our Ratings Drop Any More, I'll Be Out Of A Job. Well, actually there are many things she could do to make the Senior Tour more relevant but it all depends on how desperate she is to keep her job.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I work for the Golf Channel and I love my job, though I can't tell you what it is in case an executive recognises me and fires me for seeking your advice.
(You're well known to everyone at the Golf Channel but our bosses refuse to accept advice from a woman.)
The ratings for the Senior Tour have been steadily dropping so we're desperate for some way to increase viewers. Do you have any ideas on how we can attract back both audience and advertisers?

Dear RATINGS

Yes, I have a sure-fire method, but it'll take a lot of courage to carry it out.
Get someone to infiltrate the players' locker room and find out who has to carry life-saving medicine with them. (There will be many in this situation, considering the age-group we're dealing with.)
If one of them is allergic to bee stings, steal their allergy medicine and put a drugged bee in the part of their bag where they keep their golf balls. Give the bee just enough sedative to keep it sleepy till the third tee, when pro golfers always change their balls and the viewer has watched a couple of holes.
When the golfer grabs a new ball he'll be stung and suffer a horrible death, right in front of the cameras. Target a different golfer, with a different complaint, every week. The suspense (who will die this time, why and how?) will have even non-golfers flocking to your channel and you'll make a killing on medical industry and health advertising.

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