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Ms Kallas-Way salvages silicone, audits Australia and disables dimming.

Which are the most popular days at your club—mixed or men/women only days? Judging by the comments from Playing With Women Is Dangerous, there are still a few men out there who feel threatened by women golfers.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I'm a man who plays four times a week and I'm on a 15. I love my golf but since watching a programme on TV a month ago, about plastic surgery, I've been too scared to play golf on Saturdays when there are women playing.
This programme said that silicone breasts expand at height and can burst. Our signature hole, the 13th—a par 3 called the Drop Shot—has a tee high on a hill. The tee for the 15th is only 30 metres away and the golfers face us when they tee off. I haven't had a good tee shot there, since learning about exploding breasts.
I'm trying to get a local rule banning women with silicone breasts from playing, but the members reckon I won't be able to enforce it because, how will you know whether or not they're silicone?
I don't want to leave here and join a flat course. Is there any way I can protect myself, without affecting my swing?

Dear PLAYING

Actually, it's easy to tell silicone breasts from the real thing as the real ones aren't perfectly round and perky. But I doubt that any woman's going to take their shirt off for a droop inspection.
You need not worry about physical harm because the maximum distance exploding silicone travels is 29 metres, so it won't hit you. Of course, it could hit your club on the backswing or downswing so, to protect your club, make sure you tee off AFTER the women on the 13th.
You also need to remember that it's not only women who use silicone to enlarge parts of their anatomy.

Every day, someone suggests that New Zealand should become the 8th state of Australia. NZ would be better off financially, they insist, if we used the Aussie dollar instead of the NZ. But New Zealand Should Join Australia, has a far more compelling reason to convince Kiwis, though he's a bit back-to-front.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I've been comparing Aussie's sporting results with New Zealand's. Apart from rugby, and one-day cricket, over the last 25 years Aussie has been leaving us in the dust. This is nowhere more apparent than golf.
I know there's always a great uproar from New Zealanders against NZ becoming the 8th state of Australia, but I reckon that's just because they've only considered it economically.
If we point out that our standard of golf will improve, by joining Aus (due to access to more difficult courses and Australia's superlative sports academy) I reckon Kiwis will immediately agree.
After all, golf is one of the most popular sports in NZ.
If I could get the backing of someone as influential as you, I'm sure my petition would be taken very seriously. Will you be my first signatory?

Dear JOIN

No I won't, as Aussie is only leaving us in the dust due to their drought. Which means that soon they'll be begging to become the 4th and 5th islands of New Zealand, to get access to our watered sports grounds. This will be a far better outcome than the one you're suggesting.

Everyone is aware of global warming but few people have heard of global dimming. As We're All Going To Be Left In The Dark points out, at least with global warming, you can still see where you're going.

Dear Ms Kallas-Way

I appreciate that global warming is a reality and we must all take measures to try and prevent it getting worse.
However, I don't hear the same warnings for global dimming which, for golfers, will be even more disastrous than global warming.
How will we be able to judge distances if we can't clearly see the target? How will we know when the group in front is out of hitting distance? How will we show off our expensive clubs, if it's too dim to read the price tags?
I know you have your finger on the pulse of everything that ails golf. What should I do to ensure I can keep enjoying The Game when it becomes too damned dark to play?

Dear DARK

Dimming appears to be caused by air pollution. Burning coal, oil and wood produces not only invisible carbon dioxide but also tiny airborne particles of soot, ash, sulphur compounds and other pollutants.
This visible air pollution reflects sunlight back into space, preventing it reaching the surface, and also changes the optical properties of clouds, making them more reflective.
Consequently, we're doomed. Therefore you should immediately quit your job and play as much golf, every day, as you can. Play the same course and after you've completed 21 rounds per week, over five years, you'll know the layout so well that you'll be able to play with your eyes shut.
Which is your best preparation for global dimming.

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