HUMOUR COLUMN

Proponents also state that driving a cart helps maintain your equilibrium. If your partner is playing badly, golf carts help relieve pressure when he/she duffs yet another shot. (It's okay to strangle the steering wheel but definitely not acceptable etiquette to throttle your partner.)

This suppression of natural feelings is why so many people suffer strokes and heart attacks. So, anything which relieves tension has got to be good for you.

Also, if your passenger starts boring you by relating how they actually played the previous hole very well and only bad luck made them score 27, the golf cart is a foolproof deterrent.

Just as they get to the part where they shanked their 16th shot into the swamp when distracted by a piece of grass growing, you accelerate rapidly, jab on the parking brake and turn the wheel hard left.

This also gets rid of their annoying half dozen spare golf balls and sloshing drink bottle rattling around the shelf.

Fortunately, here in New Zealand many of the smaller clubs can't afford golf carts. Unfortunately, advertisers are finding a way around that.

Many businesses have sussed that there's no better advertising medium for their products than a golf cart. Lining up for this purpose are: sporting goods manufacturers (other than golf); drug companies; psychoanalysts; life-line practitioners.

But, as usual, they're insisting on modifications to the cart so that the golfer's frame of mind makes them more susceptible to the advertiser's message. The changes lessen distractions and focus the player's concentration on the products being pushed. They include:

1. Bull-bars and four-wheel drive. Very handy for your first round after a lesson when you spend time in the natural and undeveloped parts of the course.

2. Special cellphone holder. 'Special' because it comes with an inhibitor which prevents the cellphone from working.

3. Get rid of the clip on the steering wheel which holds the score card. (A constant reminder of your standard of golf could encourage dangerous/reckless driving.)

4. Video action replay ... which proves that it really was an accidental shank that whacked the opponent on the head.

5. A warning device which flashes a red light and clamps the clubs of anyone who loses a fairway. (We don't want to hold up all those customers rushing off to buy new products and services.)

Clamping clubs could also be an effective way to raise revenue at struggling courses.

For any infringement at all, a warden could place a large yellow clamp over the golfers' gear and they don't get it unclamped until they've paid their fine. You'd need two types of clamp—one which traps both trundler and bag and one which nails the bag to the cart.

Those who walk would have their laces confiscated.

Naturally, this means that the club would have to employ a 'clamper' and pay a suitable wage. Considering how much money these people would bring in, they'd pay for themselves in no time. Just fining everyone who didn't replace divots or repair pitch marks on greens would cover their wages in half a day and the rest of the week would be pure profit.

While club members would eventually become more considerate and thus bring in little money, green fee players would continue to be a gold mine.

While we're into law enforcement, don't forget about speed cameras to raise funds—whoops, sorry, I meant ... to punish speeding hoons and slow players.

I don't think the cameras should be hidden, though. Golf is known for its etiquette and sportsmanship so it's only fair to post a warning.

Of course, the cameras wouldn't have to be on all the time to be effective. The seed of doubt, that it might be filming, would be enough to encourage most golfers. And you could rig up a flash to go off occasionally, just to back up the assumption.

Where clubs need to differ from the traffic department is to be tough on offenders and accept no defence. There are already far too many tall tales and excuses floating around the golf course.