ARCHIVED GOLFHUMOUR

As if it's not bad enough to have unresolved issues in your present life, I can guarantee that you'll have heaps more from past incarnations and they will hold you back from achieving your full potential as a golfer.

So, forget about present-day issues. Resolving them will merely get you a dull life, whereas resolving issues from past lives will drop your handicap by at least eight shots.

I have helped many a duffer gain consistency in their swing, without so much as touching a golf club.

To divine the type of past-life issues which are holding back your golf, simply analyse the poor shots you play. (You'll probably need a 200-page diary in which to record the first month's swing faults.)

For instance, let's take a common swing fault—a weak slice. Now then, what sort of past-life issue logically would set you up for that, considering that 35% of golfers share it?

Obviously, it would have to be a common issue from the past which affected 35% of the population. And, which historical event fits this criterion?

The black plague.

Yes, I'm sorry to say that in the 14th century, you were one of the 35% of the population who caught the black plague and died a hideous death.

So, how do we fix that, all these centuries later?

The problem is the correlation of golf balls to bubonic pustules. As far as your ancient memory is concerned, that golf ball is a bubonic pustule and mustn't be burst at any cost because it'll spread the plague further.

Hence, instead of swinging solidly through the ball, you merely swipe it with a glancing blow, across the line, and there's your weak slice.

I have cut some golf balls in half and inserted them with a gooey, phlegmy mess riddled with the plague. You will hit one of these balls, become infected and I will then inject you with the antidote, which I've procured from a world-renowned bacteriologist from the former Soviet Union.

Providing the antidote kicks in before your fingers fall off, this literal cure will remedy your ancient-illness memory and you'll stop slicing.

Another common fault (95% of golfers) is under-clubbing (say, using a 6 instead of a 5-iron). Higher handicappers especially suffer from this fault of cowardice.

The corresponding historical event, which affected 95% of the population, occurred when our primitive ancestors first left the trees for a life on the ground.

What the archaeologists haven't realised is that those apes didn't voluntarily leave the trees, they just kept falling out of the damn things. Having sprained their wrists, they were unable to climb back up again.

This prehistoric fault of bad balance, combined with weak wrists, haunts golfers today. Because they doubt that they've taken enough club, they lunge at the ball, change their spine angle and hit the ball fat or thin ... making those poor wrists even weaker than they were before.

Okay, if they'd just take a bigger club when playing to the green, they'd fix this fault themselves. But lots of those primitive ancestors misjudged the distance to the ground and landed on their heads. This led to the type of pig-headedness which means golfers refuse to admit they can't hit the ball as far as they think they can.

Despair not. One 30-minute session on my trampoline, from which you bounce effortlessly back into the 30-metre high tree you've jumped from, will dispel these antediluvian pratfalls.

As your life depends on landing with perfect balance and then grabbing the right branches as you bounce up, your archaic issues will be overcome after only a couple of attempts, swinging through the tree-tops.

No matter what your swing fault, I can pinpoint the ancient issue you must resolve to fix it. (Hooking—unsuccessful harpooner; changing swing planes—Leonardo da Vinci's sexuality issues; skying the ball—suicidal lemming; and countless others.)

For an extra $5,000 I can also resolve your present-day issues so that they don't affect your game in future incarnations.