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While you may think wrapping her putter tightly around her neck is the only way you'll beat her, as with chipping, there is another approach.
Golf forensics.
That's right. Golf forensics will ensure that you beat your nemesis.
Your first step is to get your hands on all her golf gear—clubs, balls, tees, shoes, clothes—and then carefully analyse them.
Fresh forensics are the best forensics so there's no room for sentiment here. (Just think of all those humiliating hidings she's given you, should your determination start to waver.)
Forget DNA and fingerprints—it's the nature of the wear and tear of her gear that will uncover her weaknesses.
Because, in spite of what you think, she'll have vulnerabilities. Simply identify them and next year's club championship is yours.
But before you knock her unconscious, you can learn important factors about her game by the way she plays.
On the fairways, don't watch her swing but keep an eye on her divots. Often golfers don't know which divot was theirs. When she replaces the wrong divot, hand her the correct one and remind her that old divots won't re-grow and by continually replacing an incorrect one, she's ruining the course.
If she's the type who smashes divots, point out that she's doing more damage than rabbits and the scars from her shots will still be visible in a year.
Once you've administered the trundler handle, study her tees. If they've been broken and glued back together, you know you've got a keen greenie who's into recycling. When you play her, squander your tees—never pick them up after your tee shot and drop a couple as you set off down the fairway.
This profligate waste of resources will drive her crazy and ruin her game. She'll hurry her shot, so that she has time to pick up after you. Her mounting frustration will destroy her rhythm.
Next take note of her golf shoes. How are her sprigs (spikes) worn down? If they're more worn on the right side, it shows that she tends to sway, rather than pivot, so she's susceptible to playing weak slices.
The best way to get her swaying right from the start is to find out her favourite tune and start humming it as you walk to the first tee. Discuss who sang the best version, sing the catchy verse and her hips will be swaying before she even takes out her driver.
Now take a look at her golf grips, specifically her irons. If they're worn where her left thumb sits, it shows she grips really tightly with her right hand. This means that she's a control freak who tries to 'steer' her shots and dominate the game.
Destroy her confidence by talking about climate change, global warming and the tax department—all things over which she has no control whatsoever.And don't overlook her visor/cap. Take it off and study the sweat patterns. If they're darker at the front, it means she's a frontal lobe golfer.
Frontal lobes assist in planning, co-ordinating, controlling and executing behaviour. So put tiny pins in the front of her visor, small enough to irritate but not make her take the visor off, and she'll be incapable of planning how to get to the first tee.
If the darkest stains are at the sides, she's a parietal lobe golfer. The parietal lobe plays important roles in integrating sensory information from various parts of the body, and in the manipulation of objects.
Put the tiny pins there to ruin her hand-eye co-ordination but, if she lasts more than one hole, don't let her attend the flag. She won't be able to figure out how to get it out of the hole, should your ball be about to drop in.
If the visor's heavily stained at the back, she's an occipital lobe golfer who plays visually, not mentally. Tiny pins there will have her seeing double and unable to work out which image is the one to aim at.
If all else fails, you can always put the pins on her trundler seat. While she'll still probably beat you, at least she won't be able to sit down for lunch. © Kay Wall 2006