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(It didn't matter if they couldn't walk, as you could ferry them between shots in the golf cart. The fact that they could only fall out of it, rather than step, was a bonus as it taught fortitude in the face of adversity. Or the face of a water hazard, if Junior was a bit wayward, and therefore learnt to swim early as well.)
These days, however, if you wait until Junior is a year old, Junior will be left way behind his/her contemporaries.
With five-year-olds regularly shooting par, you need to start golf training really early.
I hear you ask, "At birth, then?"
Well, that'll be good enough to produce a caddy, but too late for a golfer. Not that there's anything wrong with a professional caddying job. Just ask Steve Williams (Tiger's caddy) who earns more than most professional golfers on tour.
For instance, if the mother has little food, the child she's carrying will be programmed to grab all the sustenance it can, which will set it up for obesity or diabetes.
Therefore, when you're pregnant, DON'T ration your golf. You must play at least seven times per week. Any fewer rounds and you'll be programming the fetus to become a golf glutton—they'll spend 24/7 on the course but it won't be quality golf, it'll be golf gorging, i.e. they'll take heaps of shots.
The astute pregnant mother will always have a game plan to get from A to B and will go straight there—no hooking into a cafe or slicing into the salon—waywardness must be dismissed right from the start.
(A controlled fade or draw is okay, to avoid hazards such as dogs and Falon Gongers. When driving use your indicators! The rhythmic clicking will act as a metronome to the fetus and encourage a strong, repetitive action.)
To pass on a smooth putting stroke to the fetus, the expectant mum needs to smoothly push all household tasks on to her partner—vacuuming, dish washing, making the bed, cleaning the bathroom, etc. By always saying 'yes' to her requests for help with household chores, the partner will reinforce the importance of a positive outlook.
One of the things which separates golf from all other sports is the emphasis placed on sportsmanship and etiquette. Is it possible to condition the fetus to have an innate sense of sportsmanship?
This is a bit tricky because it's hard to separate nature from nurture. However, if you're expecting twins and you find that they keep changing position immediately before birth, it's probably because one—the slower baby—is trying to call the other one through.
It would seem, when studying a golfer's sperm under a microscope, that not all of them are in a hurry.
Of prime importance in producing a top pro golfer is the moment of conception. This is because, when it comes to being the best golfer, timing is everything.
Aim for conception as the leading player in The Open (that's the British Open, to golfing neophytes) is about to sink his last putt.
This will provide a fitting climax for any prospective golfer.
© Kay Wall 2006