ARCHIVED ILLUSTRATED TIPS

Timing is the most important thing in the golf swing and the most difficult to get right. The best way to perfect your timing is to practice without golf balls. Take your favourite club to your nearest dairy farmer who's having his herd tested. At the end, when the wash-up cycle is finished, take your stance between two milk meters. As the vacuum is turned off, swing back and hit the water-filled flask as it falls, and on your swing-through, hit the one in front as it falls. When you can do this without getting wet, your wet-weather timing is perfect. (You won't hit the ball any better but you'll be able to get under your umbrella quicker.)

Global warming will have a devastating impact on golf courses as grassed fairways revert to sand because of the scarcity of pure water. However, no matter what the surface, golfers will always find somewhere to play. But what about the physical effects of global warming on the golfer? Increased temperatures mean increased thirst so at golfhumour.com we've thought ahead and developed a drink bottle which is the perfect size to get your four safely around any 18-hole course of the future. But don't wait for global warming to hit. Order your bottle now and avoid the waiting list. (Each bottle comes with a personal fitness programme so you can open it without risk to your swing. Long straws and a rope ladder are optional extras.)

Global warming will create additional hazards for anyone golfing in Iceland or near snow. Scientists tell us that climate change will happen swiftly therefore, just in case you're playing next to a glacier when the big melt hits, you will need to be well-anchored. I've developed the golfhumour.com concrete golf boots, availale ONLY from golfhumour.com, for a mere US$99.99. (Guaranteed to have been made by a mafia craftsman.) They come with an instruction sheet on how to time your stroke with holding your breath.

Golf is a target game in which confidence is paramount. Therefore, when practising, you must boost your confidence by ensuring that no matter what, you are going to get your ball in the hole. Any hole. Then work backwards, i.e. consider the distance of the hole you hit and remember the swing that achieved it. Book an hour at the golfhumour.com driving range (US$40, health insurance an optional extra) and you'll progress from being able to hit nothing but the carpark to achieving pinpoint accuracy.

© Kay Wall 2005
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