ARCHIVED ILLUSTRATED TIPS

How often has slow play stuffed up your round? Finish your game early with the golfhumour.com golf cart, guaranteed to eliminate slow play wherever you go. One nudge on the shoulder of any slow player, with the extendable arm, and watch that tortoise speed up. Should the nudge not work, try a gentle swipe and, providing the slow-poke can get to their feet, they'll keep well out of your way. For any slow players who just won't take the hint, the cart's special wheels will turn them into instant blood and bone fertiliser, without leaving an inconvenient bump in the fairway.

The best way to master those tricky side-hill, downhill lies is to practice on steps. Rustic, beach steps with half the supports removed are the most effective. Use the special golfhumour.com bird's nest tee (protects your clubhead) for your ball and, starting at the bottom, work your way up the steps, playing shots as you go. After just two steps, you'll realise you have to use a compact, shortened swing to keep your balance and hit the ball without breaking your leg. Once you get all the way up the 13 steps without breaking any limbs or, more importantly, your club, you will have a grooved downhill, side-hill lie swing embedded in your muscle memory. Of course you're now going to have to join a club in which there are no flat lies on the course. Or chop one foot off.

Would you attempt this shot rather than call the ball unplayable? If so, YOU have a problem recognising situations that cause performance problems. While you're certain that if you balance on the inside of your left foot, grip your right elbow in your teeth and shorten your backswing, you can play this ball, 27 swings later you realise the shot was beyond you. So you throw a hissy-fit (which is all you can throw, due to muscle strain) and stomp home. Remember this: if it takes more than 10 seconds to take your stance, don't take it.

Do you have a friend who drives you to distraction with her moaning about lack of distance? If so, golfhumour.com has the perfect gadget for you. The patented golfhumour Grasping Bony-hand Clasp is designed to work anywhere dark, but is most effective when set up in a cemetery. Take your friend, with her driver, to the nearest graveyard just after dusk. Get her to adopt her stance beside a grave with a low bushy tree, under which you have previously hidden the Grasping Bony-hand Clasp. Stand well back. As her hands approach hip-height on the downswing, activate the GB-hC, which will spring out of the bush and wrap around her ankle, ensuring that she releases her power at the correct time. Guaranteed to double driving distance, providing you remember to aim it at the ankle and not the neck. The great selling point for this device is that if the pupil damages the hand, you can simply dig up another one.

© Kay Wall 2005