ARCHIVED ILLUSTRATED TIPS

The most important shot of your round is always your next shot, not the one you just fluffed. Many a next shot has been ruined, and many a round as well, by focusing not on what's ahead, but on what's behind. After poor shots, golfers immediately go into the 'I must have changed my swing plane/tempo/grip/stance' mode and then go on to do that for the rest of the round. To beat this habit, find a vat and adopt the stance demonstrated in the photo. Play a couple of chip-shots (get an assistant to set up the ball for you) and you'll see how effectively you can hit the ball with a less than perfect swing plane/tempo/grip/stance. This will make you trust your swing and accept that you're not going to play every shot perfectly. Consequently, next time you won't panic and try to alter things that don't need altering.

A blocked shot is good in every respect except that it doesn't go straight. It flies right, for righties. The cause: the lower body gets ahead of the upper. If this is your problem, find a hedge and chop enough out of it so that you can fit into it. Make sure the branches from the hips down, on your left, are sharpened to points and facing your flesh. You may block your first shot, but I guarantee you won't block the second. As an extra aid, sharpen the branches above your head as well. N.B. If the only suitable hedge you can find doesn't belong to an empathetic golfer, you can perform this exercise perfectly well at night as you won't need to see where the ball goes. Trust me, it'll go straight.

This tip will give you great balance, outstanding concentration and the correct swing plane. First, gather a dozen pieces of three-day old (for maximum odiferousness) roadkill. Next, find an estuary with logs and a shark. Take your 5-iron, practice balls and roadkill and mount a sturdy log. Push log out into middle of estuary (you may use your golf club for this). Take your stance for whichever shot you're practising, then dangle a piece of roadkill in the water. When the shark is next to your log, throw the roadkill straight in front of you, at least 25 metres. As the shark heads for the roadkill, it'll leave behind a perfect wake from it's dorsal fin, pointing out the line of your follow-through. Swing your club along this line. N.B. Don't tie the roadkill on to yourself, just in case it takes a while to achieve a balanced swing.

This tip is for the spouses/partners/friends of golfers, tired of hearing, "I've just played my last game of golf, it's a stupid game for morons, I'll definitely never, ever play again." Which they've said every week for the last 20 years. Here's how you can help. Tell them you're great mates with Steve Williams and he's given you the secret tip on Tiger's swing. Next, find a beach with large, unstable sand dunes, which lies on an active fault line. (The Kapiti Coast is a good spot.) When a quake's due, set the golfer up under the wobbliest dune and tell them to play a couple of bunker shots, with the ball above their head. (That way, if the quake doesn't come, they'll dig under the overhang and collapse the sand anyway, thereby ensuring that they really don't ever play golf again. Or anything else, come to that.

© Kay Wall 2005
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