ARCHIVED ILLUSTRATED TIPS
Newton's universal law of gravitation states that every object in the universe exerts a tug on every other. (You're not imagining those walls closing in.) Murphy's universal law of golf gravity states that rough, hazards and bunkers exert a stronger tug than fairways and greens. Golfhumour's universal law of golf graves states that the biggest drag on golf is death, so you should spend at least one hour per month at the cemetery, reflecting that no matter how badly you play, at least you're the right side of the turf.
Is your ball always drawn to water? Do you sigh with relief when there's no water hazard on a hole, only to end up whacking the drinking-water fountain—three fairways away? If so, you are pathologically narcissistic. You always check your reflection in shop windows and use the car's rear-vision mirror only to check your appearance. This obssession with your looks has subconsciously polluted your golf and you cannot stay away from reflective surfaces. There's an easy solution, (hideously scar your face) or a difficult one: Find a rock above a pond and study the face you pull as you hit the ball. Every wrinkle, grimace and imperfection will be magnified by the water. This shocking sight will cure you instantly.
If you just can't find the motivation to practice, buy the golfhumour.com Practice Partner. Lock yourself into this handy device and you won't be able to get out until you've played 1,000 shots. With each swing, the locking device ratchets infinitesimally open. After fifty shots, you'll be able to breathe properly. After the 999th swing, providing you're not swinging flat, you'll be released. The great advantage of the Practice Partner is that, if you pass out, you'll still be held upright so won't slump into bad stance habits.
Does my bum look big in this? Yes, of course it does. And thank goodness for that. Anyone serious about their golf must work on getting a big bum so they can build their swing from a secure base. Get that secure base in place and you'll be able to play those tricky shots off awkward lies. The most important thing with awkward lies is to stay still over the ball, something which a big bum makes easier. (And don't sit there pouting that 99% of pros don't have big bums and still manage those shots. When you get as good as them, you won't need need one, either.)
© Kay Wall 2006
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