ARCHIVED ILLUSTRATED TIPS

Do you hate playing when it's wet? One raindrop falls and you rush back to the clubhouse? Big mistake. Consider this: 95% of golfers hate playing in the rain and as soon as a dark cloud appears on the horizon, their game packs up. Therefore your chances of winning, when it's wet, are way better than when it's dry, if you can just change to a positive mindset. To do this, find a sewer outlet. Set up to play, just before it flows. After only one drenching (don't swing, just stand there, as the splatter is life-threatening) playing in the heaviest downpour will seem like a pleasant stroll on a sun-drenched beach.

If you're a hopeless putter, try this. It's vital to get your eyes directly over the ball, and to keep them there, throughout the shot. You must not look up until your swing is complete. To ensure your eyes are positioned correctly, stab a flag into your forehead, as pictured. The bottom of the flag should lie just outside the golfball, not like the twit shown here. Should you sway in the slightest, the flag will swing, tearing your forehead and forcefully reminding you to keep your stupid head still. (Note where the blood falls—if it lands one inch above the ball, at least your eyes were positioned correctly.)

The next ice-age is almost upon us, which is good news for golfers who are incapable of hitting over, or beside, water. With all that ice floating about in the future, there's a good chance that, with exceptional balance and sprigs the size of crampons, you'll be able to play from the water—off the frozen bits. But you must start practising now. If you can't afford a trip to the Antarctic, find a stream with large pieces of concrete and play off those. While not as cold as ice, the effect on your ball and balance will be exactly the same, so you'll be well-prepared when the Big Blizzard hits.

Rock climbing will provide the solution for any golfer who finds it impossible to implement grip and swing changes after they've had a lesson with a pro. After a lesson, 89% of golfers will revert to their poor swing habits, because the new swing feels 'uncomfortable'. The answer to this is to find a golfing situation which is 100% more uncomfortable than the swing changes. You could volunteer to be the person who tells members that their subs are increasing by $10,000 next year, but more effective is the dangerous stance approach. Perch half way up a 50-metre rock wall and play chip shots, with one leg above the ball. Do this for 10 minutes, once a week, and you'll then be able to implicitly follow your pro's advice.

© Kay Wall 2006
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