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Golfers are getting slower, especially as it seems new golfers aren't taught how to play at a reasonable pace. Here's how to fix the slow golfers at your club. During the forest fire season, organise a mystery bus trip and tell all the slow golfers they've won a free seat on it. Having checked the wind direction, drop your slow golfers 500 metres in front of the fire and say that their only escape from danger is to play out of it. Tell them that to avoid choking on the smoke, they must swing their club, which will clear the air immediately in front of them. Those who make it back will have fast swings solidly imprinted in their muscle memory, and a swift rate of play to match.

The average golfer is reduced to a quivering wreck when their ball disappears into the sand. To overcome your fear of bunkers you must adopt the 'total immersion' technique. (Yes, while you could bury yourself in the bunker, which would keep your lower body 'quiet'—essential in bunker shots—it's probably better to try plan 1 first.) Head for your nearest desert and lay out 18 par 3 holes, each one no longer than 40 metres. Play this course for six straight hours, every day for a month. You can charge other bunker-phobic golfers green fees at your course which will help pay for all the sand wedges you'll wear out.

One of the worst golfing problems is ... other golfers. But how does one get rid of them, without risking arrest? Simple. Tell the annoying one that your mate Steve Williams has told you how Tiger achieved such a well-balanced swing, even when using full force. Tiger practices on an uneven surface (such as the breakwater at the end of the Wellington airport, pictured) because, if you can maintain your balance here, you'll have no trouble on any fairway. One swing will break at least a wrist and ankle, (for a neck, make sure they use the driver) but not the clubs, so it's also a good way to get your hands on any of the annoying one's clubs you covet.

So you've reached that age where your favourite golf trou have started shrinking, even though you've owned them for four or five years. But they're your 'lucky' trousers so you daren't dump them for fear of never playing well again. How can you continue to wear them, without resorting to surgery? No problem—just practice on slippery rocks. This will promote a controlled pivot where the legs are 'quiet' until their power is needed. Your swing will actually be improved by your tight trousers, even though you may have to employ a caddy to tee your ball.

© Kay Wall 2006
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