ARCHIVED ILLUSTRATED TIPS

Are you ready to slash your wrists because, in spite of daily lessons, the voracious reading of golf tips, and updating your clubs weekly, after playing golf for thirty seasons, you still can't break 100? I bet you haven't tried ... black magic. Find the overgrown grave of an ancient golfer (a positive sign, as useless golfers didn't live to old age due to stress and high blood pressure) and set up on it with your favourite club and the most expensive box of balls you can buy. Sacrifice the balls by throwing them into nearby bushes (you'll never manage to hit them there) and then break the golf club and throw it into the bushes too. (Your club throwing is bound to be accurate.) This is failsafe because even if the golfing spirits ignore you, your grief at losing your favourite club will divert your attention from your score and you'll focus only on the shot you're playing.

Ninety-nine percent of golfers suffer from golfing-mind claustrophobia. This is caused by 73 swing-mechanic ideas barrelling around the brain during the backswing and 87.5 doubtful thoughts crowding the head on the downswing. On the point of contact (if there is one) another 11 feelings of dread hit. To cure golf-mind claustrophobia, you must create physical claustrophobia and then overcome it, which will then cure your golf-mind problems. Spend half an hour a day, per week, for a year, swinging in a calf cage. (If you don't have a calf cage, visit the zoo when it's not busy but select your cage carefully.) After thirty swings, step out of the cage and swing once. You'll be so relieved to have space to swing (or no enraged animal confronting you) that you'll swing without thinking.

One of the most common problems in golf is coming up off the ball too soon, especially when you're playing poorly. To fix this fault, put yourself in a position where there's more at risk than a poor golf shot, if you don't stay down. Find an airport with poor security. Hide somewhere near the runway and (this'll help your timing too), rush out on to it as a plane approaches and set up to play a half shot, just where the plane's wheels will brush the top of your head. (Has to be a half shot so that you don't hit the plane and wreck your club.) You'll only have to practise this tip once for the lesson to sink into your brain.

All golfers could cut 6 to 8 shots off their score by developing a solid chipping action. When chipping, you must select a spot on the green to land your ball. Unfortunately, the only way you'll know if your ball has landed in the correct spot, is to lift your head to see. And you certainly don't want to develop that habit. Therefore, you must chip the ball so that you can hear if it lands in the right spot, rather than see it. This makes the toilet the perfect target to improve your chipping. When you get really good at it, do it with the toilet seat down to shrink your target. (Men will have trouble with this set-up.)

© Kay Wall 2007
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